Lord Knows
by ZDolphin
Summary: Santana collapsed on her carpet and just...lost what little she had of her heart...lost herself in the music...  Spoilers up until 2x15  Sexy . Brittana.
1. Chapter 1

Santana couldn't help it.

She'd done all she could, and it still wasn't enough.

Brittany had stuck with her through thick and thin...and yet...

* * *

Santana Lopez never cried.

Crying was for people who couldn't handle everything life threw at them. Crying was for people who didn't know what hard was.

But still, here was Santana, HBIC of William McKinley High School, rifling through her collection of vinyls and bawling like she'd just watched someone die in her arms.

Santana hadn't cried like this since her father left and her mother took to the bottle. Sure, she'd never watched someone literally die, but she'd seen people lose their will to live.

Santana laughed bitterly, her mouth letting the salty tears in for no more than a second. She _had _watched someone- or rather, some_thing-_ die today.

* * *

Her musings almost made her pass by the record she had been so desperately searching her room for. The tears increased tenfold as she shakily placed the record on her father's old purple player (the one thing he left her to remember him by). After placing the needle and turning the volume all the way up, Santana collapsed on her zebra print rug and lost herself in the music.

* * *

_Good times, for a change_

_See the luck I've had_

_Can make a good man_

_Turn bad_

_

* * *

_

Santana's father had left.

Her mother no longer seemed to acknowledge her existence, except for the occasional bout of soberness and a shopping spree for Santana to ease her guilt.

Her older brother, Carlos, had gotten away from the toxic enviroment that was the Lopez home as soon as he turned 18 (which was a year or so after their father had left) and never looked back.

Hell, even her puppy ran away, never to return.

But Brittany...Santana had thought that Brittany would stay.

* * *

_So, please, please, please_

_Let me, let me, let me_

_Let me get what I want_

_This time_

_

* * *

_

She had thought that she would rather die than actually let herself have feelings for someone.

Having feelings only led to want, and want always led to disappointment.

She had wanted for her father to love her mother, for her mom to put down the bottle, for her brother to come back- Santana just wanted to be loved.

* * *

Freshman year of highschool, five years after her world had fallen apart, Santana had found Brittany Susan Pierce.

She thought she had found that one person worth risking the safety of her fragile heart.

Brittany was the one person who made Santana feel like she wasn't damaged goods.

The one friend who would stand by her side no matter what she did.

The one who had made her feel like she was worth something.

Brittany, quite frankly, _made_ Santana fall in love.

* * *

The young woman had wormed her way into Santana's heart without her noticing.

She _made _Santana want her.

She _forced _Santana think about the feelings she constantly tried to stamp out.

Brittany had made Santana _want _to offer up her heart, made her think that maybe opening herself up so completely wouldn't end badly.

* * *

_Haven't had a dream in a long time_

_See, the life I've had_

_Can make a good man go bad_

_

* * *

_

Summer before their junior year...

The first person Santana told the story... of her father leaving, of her brother leaving, of her mother steadily turning toward alcohol for comfort to had been...Brittany.

She had thought that Brittany would leave her then and there, not bothering to to stay at Santana's house until the morning.

Santana thought she'd never see Brittany again.

Yet Brittany, in her infinite wisdom, kissed Santana.

She then made love Santana to make her forget she had ever been abandoned.

* * *

Brittany became something entirely new to Santana that night...

The first...only...woman she fell _in_ love with.

* * *

_So, for once in my life_

_

* * *

_

Fast forward to the present.

Brittany is with Artie.

Santana is "with" Sam.

The two girls haven't spoken since...

Well, since earlier that day. When Brittany...

* * *

_Let me get what I want_

_Lord knows, it would be the first- the first- fir- ti- ti- time-time-_

_

* * *

_

Santana cursed as the record skipped.

Could nothing go right in her life?

She thought that maybe, after everything her and Brittany had been through...

* * *

Santana had laid out her heart to Brittany. Her body had shook with the magnitude of what she was saying to her in that crowded hallway. Santana-

She loved Brittany.

She had ever since the moment they met, if she was being honest with herself.

* * *

Brittany...

Santana couldn't even _think_ her name without remembering how... Brittany... had shattered her heart all over the floor of William McKinley.

She had loved her.

Santana had loved her for so, so long.

She had thought that Bri...that _she_ had loved her back.

...

Santana didn't just want her...she _needed_ her.

She needed Brittany to love her back. She needed to be Brittany's first choice.

That's why she risked it all.

* * *

Santana risked it all...her social status...her _heart..._in the hope, that maybe, for _once _she'd be someone's first choice.

She had risked it all...

Only to have Artie's feelings come before hers...

To come as second choice for the umpteenth time...

Only to lose what she wanted...who she _needed..._

Only to watch her heart die a slow, painful death in her proverbial arms.

* * *

Santana started shaking and, as the record finally sorted itself out, blacked out.

* * *

_Lord knows, it would be the first time._

_

* * *

A/N: The song is "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want." by The Smiths...which came on my shuffle as I was putting on the finishing touches- true story.  
P.s. This first chapter was (sort of) inspired by .com 's fanart. _


	2. Chapter 2

Brittany couldn't help it.

Her mouth was dry.

Her nerves were on fire.

Her legs were bouncing up and down in front of the stool so rapidly that the blur they made would've introduced The Flash to the green-eyed monster.

* * *

Brittany couldn't breathe.

She had scoured every single hallway (even the one where she knew the creepy janitor lived in his closet of wonders) for Santana after her...confession...

After Brittany had dug even further into her hole of a relationship with Artie.

* * *

Brittany didn't know what to do anymore.

She thought that she had told Santana exactly what she should have.

She thought that it would make Santana happy, and leave Artie's heart unbroken.

* * *

But...

It hadn't.

Brittany felt, deep in her heart, she had done something irrevocably wrong.

Something that had tipped Santana's world on its axis.

* * *

That's why she had spent her last two class periods preparing a song.

A song to sing to Santana.

...If Santana would even show up to glee...

No, _when _Santana showed up to glee.

* * *

So.

Here Brittany was.

On one of the most uncomfortable stools ever.

Waiting to repair what she was sure she had destroyed.

What might actually not be repairable.

What mi-

* * *

Mr. Schue cleared his throat, snapping Brittany out of her reverie.

"Brittany..." he goaded gently.

Brittany nodded in understanding.

After all, they _did _have Regionals next week.

Regionals were far more important to Mr. Schue than Santana was to Brittany.

* * *

Or so Brittany had probably lead Santana to believe.

Which was also probably why Santana hadn't shown up.

Wouldn't show up.

Might nev-

* * *

_No,_ Brittany thought, _Santana told me she would never go that far._

_She promised._

Brittany took in a shaky breath, and motioned for the band to start playing.

* * *

_Were you named for the river that surrounds  
__All my biggest my mistakes or the way that I made it out  
All the muscles in my mouth never smiled or said profound things  
Until the day she handed you to me_

* * *

Truest words to ever leave Brittany's mouth.

Before she met Santana, she lived in a haze.

She drifted through life.

Santana was Brittany's rock these past 2 ½ years of highschool.

And now...

* * *

_Now for all the steps you'll take and all you'll overcome  
I wanna be the one to put in a song  
Take every single tear for all the world to hear  
I wanna be the one to put it in a song_

* * *

Why wasn't Santana here?

_Because I broke her..._

_I took a sledgehammer to her already cracking heart._

_I swung and I caused her heart to crumble..._

A single tear rolled down Brittany's face as she continued to sing the upbeat song.

* * *

The perky music that accompanied the lyrics...

The absolute antithesis of how Brittany currently felt.

* * *

She needed Santana to be here.

She didn't like how Artie was smiling at her.

This song wasn't his.

It was Santana's.

* * *

Brittany _needed _Santana to hear these lyrics.

She needed her to know she didn't mean what she had said in the hallw-

The blonde wanted so terribly for Artie to stop.

To stop mouthing along with her.

To Santana's song.

* * *

_Cigarettes are raining har-_

* * *

Brittany couldn't take it.

She stopped singing abruptly, and the band followed suit.

* * *

Most of the glee club looked stumped- why had Brittany stopped?

Artie, however, was still beaming as Brittany stalked towards him.

* * *

This was the last straw for the former Cheerio.

"This. Was. Not. For. You." she fumed.

* * *

Artie looked at her with a mix of confusion and smugness coloring his face.

"If not me, then who for, Britt. I-" Artie was completely cut off as Brittany started seeing red.

"You ARE a robot, aren't you? Only robots are this stupid. Seriously. YOU THINK I FEEL LIKE THIS ABOUT **YOU**? WHO WOULD FEEL LIKE THIS ABOUT A STUPID, WHEELCHAIR BO-" Brittany's face was turning purple with uncharacteristic rage by the time Mr. Schue decided to intervene.

* * *

He put a hand on her shoulder...

This sudden contact...

It broke Brittany.

* * *

She started quietly sobbing.

Artie rolled away from her, a single tear staining his glasses.

As he neared the door, Brittany whispered "It was for her. It was always for her. Always. Artie,"- at this, the boy turned his wheelchair so he could face Brittany's heaving shoulders- "You made me break her. You made me _destroy_ Santana.".

* * *

Artie gaped at her.

Then his eyes narrowed.

He opened his mouth.

"I..." Artie stopped.

He had nothing to say to Brittany.

* * *

Fuming, Artie turned around to go out the choir room door-

Only to be knocked over by Ms. Holiday running at top speed.

The bump in the figurative and literal road that was Artie could not stop Ms. Holiday.

But...

It could have quite possibly wrecked Santan-

* * *

Holly ceased thought as she grinded to a halt in front of the glee club.

What happened next...

Holly wrapped her thin, but strong arms around Brittany in what could only have been described as a a death grip.

* * *

"Ms. Holiday...MS. HOLIDAY I CAN'T BREATHE!"

At this outcry from a one Brittany Pierce caused Holly's mind to flicker back on.

* * *

When Brittany turned around to face her "attacker", she noticed...

* * *

"Ms. Holiday, why are you cryi-"

Holly shook her head at Brittany's budding question.

This silenced the blonde.

* * *

Her favorite substitute was never at a loss for words.

_What is going o-_

* * *

Brittany's thoughts were cut off as Holly cleared her throat.

The entire glee club listened in as Holly started to speak.

"Brittany, did no one- Did you not kn- Did she not-"

At this, Holly started crying.

* * *

Mr. Schue helped Artie up into his chair, and both awkwardly made their way around Holly and Brittany, to the risers.

* * *

Brittany was on the verge of tears.

What was going on?

What was wrong?

What? How? Who...

Who was "she"?

* * *

As if reading her thoughts, Holly held out a note that had been crumpled in her right hand the entire time.

Brittany took it from Holly.

As she was reading, Holly calmed herself, and started explaining.

* * *

"I... I found this under the door of the class I was subbing. It had no name on the front, so I thought it wasn't importan-

I didn't read it until just now. I- I just want you to know that I already called her mother, and she had already found her in her roo-"

Brittany started to whimper.

"Brittany, don't worry. Her mom had already called the-".

* * *

The entire room was shocked into silence as Brittany's legs collapsed beneath her.

The cry of "" was heard around the world.

Whether or not one literally "heard" it...

4 billion people _felt _it.

* * *

Rachel, who had been sitting in the front row of the risers...

The crumpled note.

During the-

When Brittany fell, it had slid to the brunette's feet.

Never one to leave information unknown, Rachel quietly snatched the note up.

* * *

When she did so, the rest of the glee club (and Mr. Schue) quietly gathered around.

As they read, Holly rocked back and forth on the floor, Brittany holding onto her for dear life.

* * *

"_Dear Ms. Holiday,_

_Is it ok if I call you Holly? Well, if I call-ed you Holly._

_Anyways..._

_I told Brittany how I felt. Just like you said I should._

_And, well, she kinda broke my heart. Just like I didn't think she would._

_..._

_I thought she would say she loved me enough to put me before anyone else. _

_To be her first choice._

…

_Who was I fucking kidding? Myself?_

_I guess._

_SHIT Holly, when would ANYONE ever pick me first?_

_WHY would anyone pick me first?_

_..._

_I am obviously worth..._

_Well, I was gonna say 'I'm worth shit.', but I'm not even..._

_..._

_I am worth nothing Holly. Nothing._

_And I've accepted that. I've accepted..._

_Ever since Brittany chose Stubbles McCripple Pants over me..._

_That no one will EVER love me. I've accepted I will NEVER come first._

_Hell, I've even accepted that I'm capital G gay._

…

_Hell...That's where where I might... where I WILL end up when I go through with this._

_..._

_Tell Brittany that I really do love her. That it wasn't her fault._

_It was my fault._

_It was my fault for wanting her._

_For falling in love with her._

_..._

_Tell her that I hope her and Artie-_

_That they stay happy together._

_Tell her that I hope she'll forget about me, and have a good life._

_Tell her..._

_Well, say goodbye to her for me._

_Please._

_Bye Holly,_

_Santana M. Lopez"_

* * *

A/N~ Song was "I Wanna Be The One" by Fun. .

p.s. How do I do double spaces instead of having to use lines/asterisks when editing the doc on ff? (I am using Open Office)


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